Sonnet Redouble: The Gift

Sonnet Redouble: The Gift
(c) 2001 by Seanan McGuire and Batya "The Toon" Wittenberg

1. The First Slayer. This is the Gift that only blood could buy: Salvation in exchange for just one soul. The Slayer does not have the right to cry, And naught may come between her and her goal. And this is why we don't walk in the world: We can't wait for the waters to recede, And while you say you're just a single girl, Sometimes a single girl is all we need. This is the Gift that you alone can give, Although that giving cuts you like a knife... But sometimes only dying lets you live, And giving Death reversed is giving Life. ........You said you'd be a fireman -- why wait? ........This is the calm serenity of Fate. 2. Spike. This is the calm serenity of Fate That kills uncaringly as I once might; No one to strike, or rage against, or hate, No enemy that anyone could fight. Just tears that scald like holy water's touch, Just choking sobs that burn like any cross; I knew I loved, but could I love so much That nothing's left within me but the loss? I told her once of her own kind's despair, I told her of the moment's wish for death -- O, irony! -- I told her I'd be there!... My love for her as meaningless as breath. ........In all the world who better knew than I ........That every Slayer is only called to die? 3. Giles. That every Slayer is only called to die Is something we cannot deny or fight -- And yet I find that I still wonder why We have to pay so much to serve the light. Reluctant hero, called against your will To save the world: your childhood was the cost. I taught a little girl the way to kill, And looked away when innocence was lost. Forgive me for betraying what you were To make you what your destiny demands. I had no choice, my dear one, this was war; I sometimes thought you didn't understand, ........But in the end, you didn't hesitate -- ........This is the lesson that we learned too late. 4. Willow. This is the lesson that we learned too late, The hidden book we never got to read, Why power to destroy and to create Stands powerless against what is decreed. My love, my friend, each lost within her mind, Each wandering through all the myriad ways; The desperate hope that she was there to find Was all that led me through the lightless maze. My love, against all chances, I have found; My friend is gone to find a kinder hell -- And thus the final lesson is set down: Forgive that I could not save you as well. ........This foe, this fate, this fall, we could not share; ........And now the future hangs in empty air. 5. Dawn. And now the future hangs in empty air With pain behind and greater pain ahead: The walls between the worlds begin to tear And will not heal again until I'm dead. The shallow cuts that opened up my veins I feel no more, though still they freely bleed; The sky is torn and through it chaos rains, My sister's eyes are two dry wells of need. Let lightning shriek across the tortured sky, Let countless hells gape wide and swallow all, Let all hope fail -- she will not let me die; I see her turn and run, and leap, and fall. ........What power holds me here and lets her go? ........And when did time become so very slow? 6. Tara. And when did time become so very slow That one could watch a thought pass like a cloud? Big day today; there's somewhere I should go, Where I must go, as soon as I'm allowed. I stumble through a fog of vague intent -- The day calls me! It's time, it's time and past -- Till love as pure as any sacrament Burns fog away and brings me home at last. And now she weeps, a world in every tear... There is so clearly nothing I can say. With all the lives that were not ended here And all the hells now safely sealed away, ........Perhaps there was no mercy left to spare; ........They never said that destiny was fair. 7. Joyce. They never said that destiny was fair; I know there's nothing more I could have done, I just wish I could somehow have been there, I wish I could be proud of what you've won. Your sister -- or, we felt as if she were, Though she's not real ... it doesn't matter now; You promised me that you'd take care of her, And so you did, and never questioned how. They must have known about your destiny, The ones who called you to this thankless task, Yet never thought to warn your family -- Would that have been so very much to ask? ........They never told us how the tale must go; ........Perhaps they thought that we'd already know. 8. Anya. Perhaps they thought that we'd already know That this essential sacrifice was yours; That in the end we'd have to let you go. Perhaps we did -- but what's a hero for If we must always bury them and grieve? Too many lies and too much left unsaid -- Who told you we were done? Who let you leave? Who said that you could go and join the dead? I've learned of grief too recently for this. You had to fall -- who said you had to land? Mortality is so damn hard to miss: Some things I just don't want to understand. ........I didn't know I'd have to watch you fall... ........There are some steps that wishing won't recall. 9. Glory. There are some steps that wishing won't recall; It's such a little sacrifice to make, And every human dies, hon, after all... Your gods made you too delicate. You break. You say your sister's waiting for the flood; I say she'll never come to save your soul. The key to what I need is in your blood, You're just another thing I can control. You never were the girl you claimed to be, You only dreamed the life you thought you led. This ritual will let us both be free -- Your death will stop the screaming in my head. ........The life you had is over, babe; it's gone. ........Some lines just can't be broken, once they're drawn. 10. Ben. Some lines just can't be broken, once they're drawn; Some choices, made, can never be unmade. I don't owe her a thing, I'm just a pawn -- Why should she look at me as though betrayed? I won't be hers, and never asked to be, And neither of us wanted to be born; There's nothing I can do -- it's her or me, And I have drawn my conscience like a thorn. I don't know why I'm trying to explain, Why I hold hope that somehow you'll forgive; Too much misunderstanding, too much pain, Too little chance that both of us will live. ........We never knew each other's lives at all; ........How could we know you had so far to fall? 11. Xander. How could we know you had so far to fall When we believed that you could almost fly? You were the hero, always standing tall; You were invincible! How could you die? There is no justice here, this makes no sense, This isn't how the thing's supposed to end -- What kind of world gives death as recompense To such a hero, savior, fighter, friend? I never could have set a nobler goal Than being heart to your unfailing hand; More than a team, we formed a single whole, A whole now shattered, scattered in the sand. ........How could the one uniting us be gone? ........How could we know we'd lose you to the dawn? 12. Angel. How could we know we'd lose you to the dawn When I'm the one that flees before the day? I always knew that one day you'd be gone; Now tell me why it had to end this way. I only held you twice within my arms, But held you in my heart a thousand years; Are there no simple lies or subtle charms To bar this bitter news or stop my tears. They told me we were warriors for Fate: That if I kept you with me, you would die. I let you go, and now I learn too late Your death was one I never could deny. ........This is the ending that I would refuse... ........And yet the Chosen Ones can never choose. 13. Faith. And yet the Chosen Ones can never choose -- They Call us and they use us 'til we're killed. They play us like our lives are theirs to lose, And Call another once our blood's been spilled. Did you believe I wouldn't feel you die? We're less than sisters, more than enemies, And destiny has bound us, you and I, To drown in battle's hot and bloody seas. We are Fate's chosen weapon; just a blade With which to kill, and keep their own hands pure. It's what we are that's left us both betrayed... Why can't you take me through that final door? ........They never let us question or refuse. ........So far to fall. So very much to lose. 14. Buffy. So far to fall. So very much to lose: The world, my friends, my sister and my life. My heart's the only weapon I can use: This sacrifice my last and sharpest knife. My innocence by inches has been paid To save us all and keep the world alive. I won't regret the choices that I've made; I'd make them all again so you'd survive. A final sacrifice is what we need, So let the war and madness drop away: I won't regret this, even as I bleed. This is a price that only blood can pay. ........Please understand I loved you all -- good-bye. ........This is the Gift that only blood could buy. 15. The Gift. This is the Gift that only blood could buy, This is the calm serenity of Fate; That every Slayer is only called to die, This is the lesson that we learned too late. And now the future hangs in empty air -- And when did time become so very slow? They never said that destiny was fair... Perhaps they thought that we'd already know. There are some steps that wishing won't recall; Some lines just can't be broken, once they're drawn. How could we know you had so far to fall? How could we know we'd lose you to the dawn? ........And yet the Chosen Ones can never choose. ........So far to fall. So very much to lose.